Jul 24, 2011


My best friend here in Dallas, also a co-worker, pulled me aside yesterday {I know it was a Saturday but working in sports is a whole new animal} and told me some shocking news.

She has been having some issues trying to get pregnant and went to a specialist about a week ago. Yesterday her doctor called with the results...she can't have children.

I had no idea how to react or what to say, I was speechless. I just grabbed her and gave her a big hug, during that moment she broke down in tears.

We talked for about 30 min and then I told her she needed to go home and be with her husband. This is a huge thing and being around our 40 male co-workers at this moment was not a good idea. Plus, she needed to just be sad and be with her best friend who is going through it with her, only in the male way.

After she left I sat and thought about my husband and myself, especially with my health issues, this could be our reality in a few years too. Yes, there are other options, but as women we are programed with the motherly, carry your own, instinct. It makes me catch my breath every time I think about it.

No matter what they decide to do, I will be there for her every step of the way, even if I don't know exactly what to say.

Jul 18, 2011


A few weeks before my husband left we decided to do a "love" photo session with a photographer I know down here in Dallas.

The reason for this was two fold:

  1. Because we got married in a month and a half so my husband could make it to training on time, we never had an official engagement portrait session.
  2. With him {at that point} getting ready for deployment, we wanted to have photos of us and our little furry friends so we have moments to remember and he could take us with him.
She was great and the photos turned out amazing too. Unfortunately, I got the photos today and my husband is already gone. No worries though I have already put them on a flash drive to mail out and put photos with quotes and memories in a journal to send over to him as well.

I hope he enjoys them as much as I do!

Jul 17, 2011


I was so lucky this past week to have two of my flight school wife friends, one of which is the same unit as my husband and I, visit me in Dallas.

It was great being able to talk to people again that knew about the Army life culture and even have someone going through all this deployment stuff with me. We literally talked about everything under the sun.

This also included the FRG for our unit and the other wives. Yes, I know that FRG's can be a little "high school" and clicky and it turns out this has already begun, and I am already being gossiped about. To start with, being an Officers wife in a unit full of Warrant Officers, Sargent's, and lower ranks {etc.}. I was asked to help head up the FRG for our company. I turned it down because, since I am living in Texas and all the other families are in Kansas, I did not think I could do it justice and be there for everyone like I would like to or  expected to be, but I would still help out in any way I could. Turns out, the ladies in the unit did not respect my choice, and my friend told me that the woman were saying that I was not "living up to an Officers wife standard." Really ladies?!?

Next, my friend mentioned that a lot of the women, then brought up the fact, that I am not doing my job as a wife and Army wife in general. The reason, because I am in Texas while my husband serves Kansas and I am not around his family/his life/fill in whatever you want here. Really ladies?!?

There were a few other things thrown in there too, but I was just so shocked with the first two comments that I kind of zoned out the others.

I told my friend thank you for telling me, and she even told me she had my back and was getting ostracized herself for having it, but did not care because the way these woman were acting was childish and not setting the standard of what we as military spouses stood for - respect, class, and being roll models.

Could not agree more.

As for me and how I am going to handle it...that's the tricky part. I have a feeling the women will put on their fake smiles and put on a show when ever we are in the same room, but as soon as I walk out start talking again. I will treat them with respect and remind them {if I do catch them, or hear them talking disrespectfully}, that my husband and I are doing what is right and the best choices for us and if that means I am able to be around people who care about me, have my back, with a job that I love enough to help ease that pain of deployment time so be it. Not to mention, that even though I am hundreds of miles away from the unit and FRG, that if any of them needed me I would be there in a heart beat, because after all, we are going through this together.

Sorry for the little rant, but it just blows me away that these woman have judged me without even meeting me/getting to know me. I also have a feeling this will make the deployment harder on me because I doubt a lot of them will fill me in on the going ons or really want to support me all the way down here.

Yes, this is me throwing out some judgement of my own but I already feel alone and to hear this is already happening makes me feel even more removed. However, {now that I got my feelings out} I am going to be myself, be respectful, and not let this information taint my relationships with these fellow Army Guard wives until I actually have the chance to meet them face to face.

Jul 9, 2011

The Results

So I had my tests and doctors appointment and the verdict is in. I have to get surgery.....again.

At 25, this will be the third time I go in to get a endometrial polyp removed from my left ovary. Usually, these polyps show up in older women and when I got my first one {I was just 22} my doctor was shocked. It takes a toll on my body in ways I couldn't imagine.

It makes me incredibly tiered, to the point where if I sleep 12 hours I still feel like I did not get any sleep. You can also tell how tiered I am on my face, doesn't matter how much make-up I wear, just exhausted. I am also in constant pain on my left side. So much so that I will randomly tear up and want to curl up in the fetal position, cramps have nothing on this, trust me. Another big one {that no one notices but me} is the change in my cycle. I go from normal once a month for about a week, to two or three times, sometimes lasting 13 days. There are more things going on, but those are the big ones. My doctor says these are "normal" things but I hate them all the same.

The worse part about this is even the guys I work with have noticed these changes, and that's saying something.

Now back to the surgery part of things. Like I said earlier, I have had this same surgery before, but my doctor and I are getting to the point where, if it shows up again, we will have to take more drastic measures. It scares me. Plus with my husband being in the start of deployment, if my polyp does come back I don't even want to deal with those options.

They include partial or full hysterectomy, and more drastic measures. At some point my husband and I want to start having children and I don't want to imagine us not being able to have our own. Sigh. I am jumping a head yes, but as a woman even the maybe of it means a whole lot.

As for my husband in all of this. I was able to let him know the verdict, but of course he will not be here. This is weird because he was with me when I had my last two, the first one we were not even engaged yet. I know he will be there in spirit, and my mom is already planning her trip/care giver visit, but it's still going to a little awkward with out him there.

Guess I will get used to not having him there/a phone call away soon enough.

Well, the puppies are looking at me impatiently, so I guess I should take them for our morning run. I will keep you posted on this matter as time gets closer.

Enjoy your weekend!

Jul 4, 2011

...Happy 4th...

I hope all of you are having a wonderful 4th of July weekend.

Me, well, it could have been better.

Yes, I did get to see fireworks, much in part to my amazing job working with a sports team, but other than that not so happy.

This morning, mu husband left to go back up with his unit. They start Deployment Mobilization tomorrow morning. Let me tell you, this gave me a whole new perspective on Independence day. It also hit me that this was the last morning I got to wake up with him, it was the last time he would be in our home, and it was the last time he would be with the puppies {until his two weeks R&R}. I was a mess after we lunch and we said goodbye, however I sucked it up and was able to head to work.

I held it together until the end of the game and they did a tribute to all the military {past and present} as well as the loved ones of those who served...I broke down. Lucky for me, the female mascot, who I am friends with, was there to hug me until I was ok.

Then, after a lovely fireworks show, I headed home and am here now...just me and the puppies. Annie looked for my husband and went crying around the apartment looking for him. As for my dog, he has just been by my side since I walked in the door. He sense it, or saw the tears rolling down my face when I walked in the door.

I'm sure it gets easier with time, but for now, knowing he wont be coming home in a few weeks for a visit is really hard.

My apologizes if I made your holiday a little glum, but it's just the way mine went.